How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.