I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭