When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”