Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
S/o to @funTweeters .
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?