How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?