A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.