I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11