My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
all bases covered
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”