I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
You Might Also Like
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
hmm conte-me mais
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
These 3D printers are insane!
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine