you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
fired
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK