a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
new year update: losing everything but weight
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.