[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!