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My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”