GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Confused owl: What?!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
#CatsOnTwitter
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!