magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Breaking news:
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.