[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient