I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.