X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Saturday
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Alexa, make out with the Roomba