I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”