“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.