one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.