When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle