Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular