I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me