Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch