Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”