But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad