Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*