[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
that colleague who touches your screen
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Catercrombie & Fish
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf