If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong