I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
You Might Also Like
necessity is the mother of invention
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse