Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
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My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
📽️movie date🎞️
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.