Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers