[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom