God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
spicy snake
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.