Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Born to be mild.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.