Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
also my go-to takeaway order
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)