“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”