How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.