All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
These work great until they don’t.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…