Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Sorry not sorry.