My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t