When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.