They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded