WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I am a gravy boat captain
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes