Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯