just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too