[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what鈥檚 going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*gets last year鈥檚 turkey out of the attic*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Betrayal only comes from someone we鈥檙e close to. Just like herpes.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I鈥檒l buy you black tar heroin.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…馃槴馃槴馃槴
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: 锝侊綄锝楋絹锝欙綋
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it鈥檚 murder
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What鈥檚 your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.