*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.