Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome